Sunday, February 20, 2011

For Now

He's here.  Asleep in our bed like nothing ever happened.  We talked all weekend and didn't really say anything, but in the end I agreed to try to forgive him, whatever that means.  He had time to think up his explanations by Friday, so the texts were from a girl at the office who has a crush and has been spoken to by HR because it's starting to get a little out of hand and he didn't want to worry me with it, and the perfume was from one of the clients who was female and sat near him. 

But I don't know.  He was scared, and that's not like him. 

I think it scared him that I changed the locks.  He was really grateful and emotional when I gave him a new key and it kind of made it clear what our relationship is for right now.  I'm ALLOWING him an opportunity to make me forgive him, and it's his to blow.  I think he'd forgotten who he married a little bit, and somehow it made it so I could dial the badassness back, so I started to listen, because he'd got it.

I didn't confront him with the thing I know about blog girl (Famous Guy isn't her only, basically), and I don't really know why.  Keeping ammunition?  Or scared that it would leave me no choice?  Because that's the thing, really.  That's why he's here right now: I'm not ready to not be married yet. 

I don't know yet whether I buy all his promises and explanations but Friday was like I was standing at the edge of a cliff and this whole world of being single again was looming below me and I was excited and I kind of wanted to jump, but at the last second remembered I didn't have a parachute so decided to stay on solid ground for right now. 

But I'm mad.  I am so, so mad.  It's like we have this new roommate and it's rotting and gargoyly and it stinks like hell and it sits there burbling in the corner.  Sometimes this weekend it shrunk back a little bit, went out with its buddies and gave us a little space, but it lives here now and it's not moving out any time soon.


BB13 said...

So ... your saying he's there because you don't want to be single. That's the way I understood it. But that can't be a solution. Either you really forgive him and let the "roommate" move out or you don't forget and the "roommate" will stay with you forever.
I would confront him with what else you know. I know, you will have to make a decision then but it would be a clear status. You could go on living then. Now you're living in the past, thinking about what he did to you. You can't live like that forever.
Just my 2 cents. Make the decision you can best live with.

Anonymous said...

But BB13, of course she can't just decide to forgive him that quick. It takes time, but she can decide to work on it with him. After a while she will have to make the decision to really forgive or not, but it not so simple that you can just say directly. I do agree that being direct and honest about everything is the only way to go.

But seriously, "you can't live like that forever".., no of course not, but it is OK to let things take a little time, hardly any time at all has passed, relax.

d said...

I'm kind of agreeing with BB. I don't know what the info is about blog girl, but the only way you can start again is if everything is out in the open.

By the sound of your post, I get the impression you aren't buying his "story." I'm only going by the tone of your post, so I could be wrong, but I don't buy it. He would have told you about a girl flirting with him if it was nothing.

Again, it's about honesty and trust. You and only you know what the right thing to do here is. Just don't stay with him because you don't want to be alone. You're better than that.

Deidre said...

Wow this is so just intense! I am so sorry you have to deal with all this as well as being an expat and being so far away from home.

do what's best for you and at the pace you need it to be.

Ulrika said...

I agree with you and anonymous - if you don't feel ready to discuss the Blog Girl thingie, don't do it yet. There's enough to get your head around at the moment. These things are not just black and white. They take time to come to terms with and process.
I'm happy for you that he's back and that you're talking. :)

OhioGirl said...

I think I'm happy we're talking too. I think I kind of need to get over being mad before I know how I feel enough to make any forever decisions, you know? So you're kind of all right - I can't live like this forever, but have to for a little while until I know what's up. In the meantime at least there's some sun today so I'm smiling!